Unrepentant 25

Lin Size encountered heavy resistance on this issue, but finally, was going to embark; the people he was bringing were not many, and the matters of the court were handed to a few trustworthy high officials to take care of, Mister Meng served as the regent, and amongst the high officials in the end, there was still Zuo Ning Hao and Zhao Yun Yuan.

Zuo Yun Yuan and Lin Size spoke for two hours in the study, exiting a bit exhausted, and further heard from Jiang Haifu that Mister Meng had gone and seen Lin Size, but Mister Meng couldn't change the way Lin Size was thinking, even furthering Lin Size's conviction towards going to Hu prefecture.

When Zhao Yun Yuan heard Jiang Haifu say that phrase: "For this whole life, only owe a death," he also exhaled deeply, "The emperor and Assistant Gu...... aye..."

Jiang Haifu also sighed repeatedly, "One must think that assistant Gu probably hated...... that's why I also am unclear what had happened between the emperor and Assistant Gu, but...... to say something that is very painful, the way Assistant Gu treats the emperor, that's really something that can't be criticized. Ah."

Zhao Yun Yuan, as though thinking of something, looked distantly, dazing off for a bit, and then bitterly said, "Yes. Ah, Assistant Gu is an unrestrained character, but towards the emperor, is truly treating with sincerity."

Jiang Haifu thought for a while, saying, "Official Zhao, is there any possibility that Assistant Gu is still alive?"

"How can I tell." Zhao Yun Yuan lightly shook his head, "perhaps, can only hope that she is still alive."

Jiang Haifu nodded his head, "Aye, yeah...... let's not talk about it, official Zhao. I want to go to the study to take a look; the emperor and you have discussed for so long, so you're probably bored, and I also should go to serve."

Zhao Yun Yuan nodded his head, "Mmm. The emperor is still coughing pretty severely; if he really intends to leave in two days, gotta hurry and make his sickness recover somewhat in three days. Aye."

Jiang Haifu said, "Mmm, two days later, the emperor will definitely head out...... now, nobody's dissuasion will work."

Saying thus, he hurriedly entered the study, and Zhao Yun Yuan stood outside the room, lightly sighing a bit.

"If it was me...... I'm afraid I would also behave this way."

Gu Hongjian was a bit surprised.

As for Lin Size's desire to head to Hu prefecture, Zhao Yun Yuan's public behavior was extremely opposing it, but now, he actually secretly demonstrated his approval......

Could it be, that in reality, he actually supported Lin Size?

It's really unbelievably strange- that originally stubborn, the one who prioritizes family and state first-- official Zhao, would also have this type of moment?

Gu Hongjian dubiously watched Zhao Yun Yuan leave, then slowly returned to the study; Lin Size was sitting inside the study, coughing while bearing with things, on one hand, still approving memorandums. For the last two days, his face wasn't looking too good, looking paler than the thinnest sheet of paper, dark and thick rings forming under his two eyes, and his lips having lost all color.

And it didn't take but a few short days, the originally already skinny Lin Size lost another ring around his trunk; Gu Hongjian used her hand to measure really quickly, and felt that his chin was already sharp to the point where it could clear the floor.

Even though she said it one way, but in actuality, Gu Hongjian's heart still ached.

Lin Size wasting his life and experience away like this, it was very apparent that he was just punishing himself.

Regarding the matter of Gu Hongjian's death, it had him as a big reason. He couldn't even find anyone else to possibly blame, because to him, he was the sinner.

He could only punish himself.

But, he probably wouldn't have thought, that when he was punishing himself, Gu Hongjian wasn't one who was ignorant of the fact, but on the contrary, she saw everything and held them in her eyes.

Therefore this punishment, had once again become a portion for two.

Gu Hongjian exhaled deeply-- really, he wouldn't even let her rest after dying.

Occasionally she would also think, why did it need to be this way?

A few years ago...... it seemed like, it was exactly that time when she was drunk, that day when she had run into Zhao Yun Yuan, when she had just left the palace, before she had gone to Zui Xian tavern, halfway there, she had encountered a burial parade, passersby were all afraid of it being inauspicious, so they all went inside the stores to avoid it; Gu Hongjian was one who actually didn't believe these supersitions, but stood by the side of the street, watching.

Yellow paper littered the ground, accompanied by the deceased's family and the wailing melody.

At the side stood a married woman, who had also not avoided the procession, perhaps seeing that Gu Hongjian was mesmerized watching them, had proactively started speaking, saying, "Aye, the deceased is a man, it's really pitiful, ah. His age was young, and he was a pretty capable one, but suddenly got sick and died. He had just married a wife. Oh, look, that one that is crying the most pitifully is his newlywed wife, from their youth, they had grown up as childhood friends, it's said that their relationship is  particularly deep. It's really pitiful, ah. Originally, when he was supposed to be full of life, just left like that."

Gu Hongjian took a single look at that married woman, nodded her head, saying, "Mmm. It is pitiful."

Who knew that a guy that was dressed normally, and standing by the side, a guy who had always been by the side of the wall, half of whose face was covered by his hat, said, "He's already dead, so what's there to pitiful for him? It's actually his family and his wife that are pitiful. They raised their son, and their son had finally come of age, and in the blink of an eye, he just left. Growing up together as childhood friends, and, after much difficulty, finally getting married together, it only took one move to make her a widow...... Tsk tsk tsk, the dead one doesn't know anything, so what is there to pity for him; the ones that are still alive are the actually pitiful ones. Look, for the dead one, they are crying so loudly, but where is there someone to cry for them?"

The married woman angrily gazed at that man, and only muttered a "you're sick" before leaving. Gu Hongjian actually thought that his words were somewhat interesting; taking a look at that man, she found that although he was dressed poorly, and wore a leaky grass hat to cover his face, but could still see that his face was rather noble, and his stature was upright.

Seeing Gu Hongjian watching him, he smiled a bit at her, saying, "How do you see it?"

What did Gu Hongjian say at the time?

It seemed like she said a, "Good sir really has insight. If one day, because of an accident, I died before the person I loved, I would rather that person wasn't even a little bit sad."

The other party said, "Oh? But that way, towards yourself, wouldn't it be unfair?"

"The emotion has already been given out, so there has never been a good judgment on its fairness." Gu Hongjian smiled, "additionally, just as good sir has said, the person has already died, so what is there left."

The other party also seemed to have respectfully cupped his hands, and turned around to leave; Gu Hongjian actually put this exchange of words into her heart, then thinking about the matter of Zuo Ning Yan, she had afterwards run to Zui Xian Tavern, to get inebriated.

And now, she could more thoroughly understand this phrase.

The living would cry for the dead, but how about the living? Who would feel sad for them?

Rationally speaking, there wasn't anyone; when people died, they would no longer be conscious of anything.

But she's different, she was still here, watching Lin Size's sorrow, and because of his suffering, she would feel pain in her heart.

Lin Size didn't abide by her wishes to have no reaction to her death, but rather his reaction was pretty large.

Thus, Gu Hongjian would often think about why this was, and the answer she arrived after thinking over it, was that the heavens really didn't see eye to eye with her, and didn't stop punishing her at the moment of her death.

At the time, when she saw Lin Size with He Fang Ning enter their chambers to do the deed, she had thought this way, but later, seeing Lin Size suffering because of her, she discovered that she could still feel sad.

And ultimately, until what time, would she have to keep suffering like this without limit?

As long as she was by Lin Size's side, she would never get release; Lin Size's unforgettable memory of her, his psychological self torture, she would suffer; Lin Size forgetting how to live a happy life with others, would also deprive her of happiness.

She was truly tired, she stood behind Lin Size, watching him for so long and so many years, she had constantly been secretly and bit by bit satisfied, until now, she was truly being tormented until she had no strength.

She wanted to escape, she wanted to be released.

Now Gu Hongjian just wished that all of this would quickly end, and to really end things cleanly and completely with Lin Size. And after that, his joy, anger, sorrow, excitement, his entire life, would have nothing to do with her.

Sounds like its really selfish, right?

But she just wants to be selfish this one time, only.

Gu Hongjian was lost in thought, but noticed that from some time she hadn't noticed, that Lin Size had collapsed, asleep by his desk.

At the beginning, Jiang Haifu had been dismissed outside by him, inside Wen Dao hall, there was only Lin Size; he fell asleep and nobody had come to cover him with a blanket or to wake him to have him sleep in bed.

Gu Hongjian's heart wavered with worry, seeing that in front of her, there was a large black cloak by Lin Size's side, not far away, on a stool, but she had no way of grabbing it over to cover him with it; her heart was impatient and worried, repeatedly reaching her hands out to touch that cloak, but repeatedly time after time, would pass through that cloak.

She had almost despaired, when she used her hands to once again touch that cloak, but surprising discovered that she had touched that cloak.

Gu Hongjian was momentarily shocked, and a moment later, she took that cloak and covered Lin Size.

She blinked her eyes, unable to believe the sight of the cloak draping Lin Size.

How could it be this way?

Unless she could once again touch things?!

Gu Hongjian excitedly wanted to touch Lin Size, but found that she was once again passing through Lin Size, and the cloak that was on him.

What was that a moment ago?!

Gu Hongjian both disappointedly yet hopefully pondered, could it have been a hallucination?!

But right now, she is still good, ah......

Gu Hongjian could only helplessly float about in the room, trying to touch and bump every little thing, unfortunately a miracle didn't happen.

And Lin Size slowly awoke.

He opened his eyes a little bit sleepily, and rubbed his forehead, and then he stretched his neck, and then froze, looking at that cloak on him.

Gu Hongjian: "......"

Lin Size hurriedly rose, the cloak fluttering off him, he cought it with his hands, calling out loudly, "Jiang Haifu?!"

Only calling twice, Jiang Haifu rushed into the study, saying, "Emperor, what's the matter?"

Lin Size said, "Jiang Haifu, did you cover me with this?!"

Jiang Haifu suspiciously said, "Ah? There wasn't such a thing, ah...... emperor, after you had me go out, I haven't come inside......"

Lin Size lowered his head, looking at the cloak in his hand, suddenly lightly saying, "Gu Hongjian."

Jiang Haifu: "Ah?!"

Lin Size raised his head, looking around the room, which had no movement, saying, "Gu Hongjian!? Is it you?!"

Jiang Haifu took a deep breath: "Emperor?! What is the matter with you?!"

"After I was sleeping, someone draped me with this!" the hand that Lin Size was holding the cloak with tightened, "Gu Hongjian, is it you?! Are you here?!"

His throat, because of constant coughing had become a bit hoarse, making the way he was calling Gu Hongjian's name sound a bit more heartrending; Gu Hongjian's heart was aching, but could only watch Lin Size grasping that cloak, calling her name.

It's me.

It's me.

Gu Hongjian repeated over and over, not finding it annoying or bothersome, but answering each time.

But even this way, Lin Size could not hear.

He also only suddenly, repeatedly called Gu Hongjian's name, looking around him.

Gu Hongjian floated in front of him, wanting to look into his gaze, but he would quickly shift his gaze in another direction.

He would also be looking for Gu Hongjian, but didn't know that Gu Hongjian was always by his side.

Gu Hongjian watched has his voice grew dim, the despair growing deep in Lin Size's eyes, her own heart gradually also filled with despair.

She had once said, Lin Size would never turn around to take a look at her, would never use his eyes to chase her shadow.

But now, Lin Size was working hard searching for her, and she was right there in front of his face.

In his eyes, however, there would never again be the imprinted reflection of her countenance.

TN: I just thought of something. I think Zui Xian Tavern could probably be translated as Drunken Fairy tavern.